same old problems

Warning... kinda sad and depressing entree today.

I am having the same old problems with indigestion.  A few factors brought this about:  my mother was visiting this week and it's hard to say no to my mom, she always believes she knows what is best, so all week, I ate things I should not have eaten and felt pressured in other ways.  I also have some of my own recurring problem of forgetting who I am.  I do feel like I kinda of blend in, I guess choosing to do that actually makes it harder for me to remember who I am.

Tonight I can't remember anything except my problems, which is bad.  In fact, there's so much more blessings.  Perhaps it's just this nauseating feeling of my stomach which causes me to focus on the negative.  Or maybe I am just tired.  I admit I shouldn't have gone hiking today and waking up early made me so beat.  Now, I can't sleep without feeling like throwing up.

I dunno how to find God in the middle of all of this.  I believe he is still the same.  But, how to see or feel loved where my senses are messed up.  I think alot of this has to do with my heart, guarding it and separating how I feel from how I feel physically.  Afterall, the old saying goes only you can control your own emotions.  I don't know how.

Excerpt from Art Context and Criticism by John Kissick

National Endowment for the Arts Controversy 1989

"taxpayers should not have to support art that openly defies public mores. If artists want to produce indecent work, let them do it with their own money, instead of mocking the very constituency that funds them." 

Implicit in these remarks is a series of assumptions about art, morals, decency (and thus indecency) and the rights of the tax payer that have huge ramifications not only for art making but for freedom and democracy.

"openly defies public mores" suggest that we collectively believe the same things and operate with the same assumptions about life, despite the apparent plurality of opinions that seem to exist in a healthy democracy.

"taxpayers should not have to support art " suggest that the production and display of the arts is ornamental and not critical to society.  Furthermore, it suggests that those who enjoy the arts should pay for the pleasure...Implicity in this are 2 questionable assumptions: 1. that the only function art provides is a kind of intellectual entertainment and that it is the domain of the rich. As this book makes clear, art is much more than entertainment, it is a culture's self-reflection and sometimes the view is not pretty.  Without available avenues for cultural self-reflection, a society is for all intents and purposes dehumanized and history teaches all too well the horrors that often accompany such flagrant dismissal of art ( holocaust, censorship, and propoganda)... If art is indeed a method used by community to think about itself, the assertion that it is somehow ornamental, the plaything of the idle rich, is both absurd and dangerous...without state support there's corporate funding "only sumpathetic to corporate philosophy".  without this (govt funding) mechanism in place, artists and museums are at the mercy of a marketplace and a political arena that does not take kindly to those who criticize its values. 

The USA ranks an embarrassing LAST per capita in the industrialized world in public funding of the arts. The ability not only to tolerate but to embrace dissent as a fundamental component of democracy anchors the very notion of Western culture.  These should not and indeed cannot be lost in the hyperbole that threatens the ability of the visual arts to make an active contribution  to society.

Haacke "untitled statement" and Museums, Managers of Consciousness.
Corporate Agenda in suppporting Arts:
1. look for "exciting" art and events
2. advertising
3. tax deduction (so individual taxpayers pay more to conpensate)
4. image as good citizen
5. shield and lobby in government legislation
6. attact sophisticated personnel, clients, and investors.

Churches

I am in the process of choosing a church in L.A.  So, I decided to think about the churches I have attended and why.

Age

7-9 years Korean Presbyterian Church, Dallas- parents chose

9-11 years Korean Church, Queens- parents chose

11-19 years Korean Baptist Church English Ministry, Dallas- parents chose

At a joint retreat with another church, I was born again. I became a believer.  KFBC was where I learned praise music by heart.  I also accepted a conservative lifestyle advocated by the culture of the church.  Some strong leaders were there and enabled me to learn bible fundamentals. Also, at KFBC I had the opportunity to go to a missions trip in Mexico where I saw miracles happen and felt more of God's presence. 

19-22 years Bethel Grove Bible Church and Korean Bible Study and InterVarsity, Ithaca-

BG had good praise music but sometimes 8am was too early for me and I couldn't remember the sermons. I went to KBS because of the friendly siblings in Korean American Christian demographic,  many of whom were my friends.  At KBS I served two semesters as small group leader. 

22-23 years New Life Presbyterian Church and Campus Crusade for Christ, Ithaca -

After I volunteered at the Chicago Urban Plunge, serving the needs of the community, I started to go w/ some of those team members to other campus ministries.  I also went to New Life following some of the friends who showed more of the character of Jesus. New Life church really studied theology and one of the associate pastors really demonstrated gospel centered understanding applied to daily life and thought.

23-25 years Redeemer Church, New York-

I went to Redeemer because my roomate went there and it was close to my apartment.  This gigantic church had similar characteristics as NLPC but it was more intellectual.  I searched for the right small group for 2 years and when I finally found it, I was very blessed but it was time to relocate.

25-26 years KFBC/Global Harvest Church, Dallas-

The KFBC English Ministry had been renamed GHC.  I naturally went back to the church I attended in High School.  I found the church was lively but slowly I found less insight and differed in perspective with people there. 

27-28 years Irving Bible Church and I55, Dallas-

I was introduced to IBC via a couple I met through my friend from Crusades. At IBC, the predominately caucasion church made a real effort to be inclusive and focused on the profundity of God's grace.  I55 was a praise night that provided a setting for me to pray in the right attitude.

28-29 years New Song Los Angeles DORCs, Non-Denominational, Los Angeles-

During my work project for 6 months, I was commited to going to a small group I visited through a friend from KBS.  I kept going because DORCs small group was so friendly, genuine, and eager to know God through the Bible.  I felt like I had something to contribute during discussion.  I also saw the close knit diversity as a rarity.

29 years The River Church, a Vineyard Plant, Non-Denominational, New York-

When I moved back to NYC, I found it hard to find a church for several months.  I found the church through a suggestion from a new friend from Canada.  It was so close to my apartment. For the last 4 months, I attended the River.  This church was a blend of simple practical messages, freely offered prayers, and relaxed atmosphere.  I was most struck by the wide range of religious backgrounds, occupations, and monetary means within the group.  People really gathered to know God, being discrete and respectful of varying backgrounds.  The church was bold in responding to the Holy Spirit leading.

29-30 years ??????, Pasadena, Los Angeles, CA

By going thru the history, I see that sometimes I grew in faith more through church and other times more through small group.  Currently, I need to be around wise and warm hearted people, possibly older Christians.  I also have a desire to serve in some capacity.  It would be great to meet some older artists too.

Memorial Day - Hermosa Beach

Urban Ethnography (UE)